Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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