Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize
