It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
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It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
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Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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