I bet he comes in French.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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