That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
