Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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