Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Randomize
