my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Randomize
