Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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