Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
