i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
