I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Randomize
