I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
This is the prime rib incident all over again
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
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