The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
