tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
