I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
You have to summon your inner elephant
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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