I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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