Where did you get a picture of my penis
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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