i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
