I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
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