I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
