Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
where are my eyebrows?
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
