I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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