Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
