you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
