It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Randomize
