4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
