How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
