i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
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