even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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