In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Randomize
