I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I have already put on my inside pants.
Randomize
