Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
