I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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