Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
