The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
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