i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
