the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Randomize
