omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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