In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
