it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Randomize
