This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
