that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
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