I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I AM VODKA MAN
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Randomize
