walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
