I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Still dying that you shit outside
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
