"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
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Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
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Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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