Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
