how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Randomize
