He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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