If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
What changed your mind?
Being sober
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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