i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
