I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
