his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Randomize
